甜蜜爱情的禁忌(Sweet love taboo)(2)

　　5. you spend like a single person

　　this was a hard lesson for me to learn — until it broke up a 7-year relationship. when you’re single, you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. it’s not necessarily wise, but you’re the only one who has to pay the consequences. when you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. your partner — and your children, if there are or will be any — will have to bear the brunt of your spending, so you’d better get in the habit of taking care of household necessities first and then, if there’s anything left over, of discussing with your partner the best way to use it.

　　this is an increasing problem these days, because more and more people are opting to keep their finances separate, even when they’re married. there’s nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement in and of itself, but it demands more communication and involvement between the partners, not less. if you’re spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do with it, your relationship is doomed.

　　6. you’re afraid of breaking up

　　nobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. if you are, that’s a big warning sign that something’s wrong. but often, what’s wrong is the fear itself. not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem — you’re afraid that there’s no good reason for someone to want to be with you, and that sooner or later your partner will “wise up” and take off. so you pour more energy into keeping up the appearance of a happy relationships than you do into building yourself up as a person. quite frankly, this isn’t going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn’t going to be very satisfying for your partner.

　　7. you’re dependent

　　there’s a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. if you depend on your partner — that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him — you’ve crossed that line. the pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever’s missing in you — a pressure s/he will learn to resent. if you expect your partner to bring everything while you bring nothing to your relationship — and i’m talking finances as well as emotional support, here — you’re in trouble. (note: i’m not saying that you need to contribute equally to household finances — what i’m saying is that if you’re not contributing to the household budget, and you’re not contributing anywhere else, things are out of whack and that’s never good.)

　　8. you expect happiness

　　a sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. this is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them — nobody can “make” you happy, except you — but it’s an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. relationships aren’t only about being happy, and there’s lots of times when you won’t and even shouldn’t be. being able to rely on someone even when you’re upset, miserable, depressed, or grieving is a lot more important than being happy all the time. if you expect your partner to make you happy — or worse, you’re frustrated because you aren’t able to make your partner happy — your relationship isn’t going to fare well when it hits a rough spot.