If It Comes Back(2)

"I've seen it, too," she said. "I read a poem once about a little white bird that came to rest on a window sill and the lady who lived in the house began to put out food for it. Soon the lady fell in love, but it was a mismatched love. Everyday the little bird came to the window and the lady put out food. When the love af
fair was over, the little white bird never returned, but the woman went on puttin out the crumbs16 every day for years and the wind just blew them away."

In July he took her boating frequently. She prepared a picnic lunch each time, and he manned17 the sails. The most awkward event of this, she felt, was the loading and unloading18 of herself. For Charles, however, these "freight handlings", as she came to call it, seemed to be the highlight of the outings. He appeared to take great delight in wheeling her to the end of the pier19, picking her up out of the chair, balancing himself to set her into the boat, then collapsing the chair and setting it on its side on board. On the first few outings, she had felt distinctly ill at ease at having been placed helplessly in a spot from which she could not move herself. It occurred to her, too, that she was unable to swim, should the boat turn over.20 Charles, who adapted himself marvelously to the captain'srole, was completely oblivious21 to her discomfort; she noted with a returning sense of helplessness how much he enjoyed being in control. When he called for her one day in early August with a brand new captain's hat cocked atop22 his soft brown hair, all her emotions revolted at the idea of another day trapped on the wooden seat over the water ?nbsp;and she refused to go.

They would, instead, she said, go for a walk in which she would move herself by the strength of her own arms and he would walk beside her. He finally agreed, buthis displeasure grew with each step; this was a role he didn't want to play.

"Why don't you just rest your arms and let me push you?"

"No."
"Your arms'll get sore; I've been helping you do it for three months now."

"I wheeled myself for twelve years before you came along ?nbsp;I doubt that my arms have forgotten how."

"But I don't like having to walk beside you while you push yourself!"

"Do you think I've liked having to sit helpless in your boat every weekend for the past two months?"

For a moment he was stunned into silence by this new learning. Finally he said quietly, "I never realized that,Amy. You're in a wheelchair all the time — I never thought you'd mind sitting in the boat. It's the same thing."

"It is not the same thing. In this chair, I can move by myself; I can go anywhere I need to go. That boat traps me so I can't do anything ?nbsp;I couldn't even save myself if something happened and I fell out."

"But I'm there. Don't you think I could save you or help you move or whatever it is you want?"

"Yes, but Charles ?nbsp;the point is I've spent twelve years learning to manage by myself. I even live in a city that's miles from my family so I'll have to be independent and do things for myself. Being placed in the boat takes all that I've wonaway from me.23 Can't you see why I object to it? I can't let myself be at anyone's mercy — not even yours."